Relationship with the former: How to do and what happens…

C'eravamo both amati. O forse, no. The fact is that nowadays it is increasingly difficult to find couples do not burst. Manage, then, the relationship with your ex, in the presence or absence of children, remains one of the most delicate situations and complicated to manage.
ratti1In this regard, Moda e Style, wanted to ask for support on the Dr. Maria Monica Rats (pictured at left), Psychologist Clinical Psychology Service for the Health of’San Raffaele Hospital in Milan, as well as Professor at the University Vita-Salute San Raffaele.

The article is a bit’ long, but I do recommend reading, because you can find useful information, to be put into practice in your (possible) case.

The storie d’ love are today, for better or for worse, more complex than a time. In a society where individuality and’ placed at the center, we are increasingly aware of what we want in a couple's relationship and often less available to the tolerance of what we experience as smooth and harmonious relationship in.
The ability to choose is definitely a potential which increased the critical sense in relationships.
The number of people with whom you have contact, also because of the social network and modern systems that keep us constantly connected, of Facebook a whatsapp ,is greatly magnified, and such knowledge may in some cases represent the risk of rupture of relations already in place, sometimes just for the 'establishment of new bonds with people whom you feel most affinity and complicity.
If once the most enduring relationships were born at a young age and tended to remain stable, more and more often this stereotype is disconfermato.

broken-heart-coupleThe stories end because according to the different ages of life, changing expectations, what we look for another. The passion Home does not always know turn into affection, and sometimes there are no prerequisites for joint projects.
Here then is that your loved one is transformed into ” ex”… A figure by which good or evil is imperative that you duscussione.
Often in’ suddenly we see the former defects che l’falling in love had totally eclipsed, the intensity of being in love sometimes becomes proportional to anger, everyday life is completely revised and is so different from common habits if stripped.
In some ways, when a story ends, there is always a kind of personal rebirth. We are somehow obliged to think of ourselves, who we are, to give up aspects of belonging and security that a relationship entails, investing in our individuality. We often have to make an effort to reinvest in activities which, although pleasant were neglected, Also in’ scope of social, or that they were now only shared as a couple.

In short it is a painful and creative at the same time, which leads to put into play again, even more so if you start a new relationship.
The relations with the former are sometimes unavoidable not only in our inner world, in need especially in the moment of rupture of swine inevitable questions about what has changed in us and in partner and what we really want, but also for practical issues often and no less complex.
Especially in the case of long-term relationships sharing may involve emotionally charged objects, the same house, the same pets.
The management of these issues is critical to ensure the possibility of a real rinvestimento in their lives. You have to remember that every choice in this context should take into account not only the economic but practical and emotional content, meaning they may have to the former partners and itself.

broken-familyThings get complicated when you have in common friendships, with whom you share leisure time or holidays or even the’ working environment and therefore the everyday.
It’ important, also for the protection of their own serenity and freedom , not pollute these relations with the dynamics that may lead others to take sides in favor of’ one or the’ another or even worse to act as a mediator trai two, or even “filter” making information about the other and any new relationships.
An even more delicate,that deserves a separate discussion , is linked to the possible presence of children. In this case the ratio albeit not more sentimental, survives break up, by virtue of the parental bond.
It’ important not to generate dynamics that interfere with the educational and emotional relationship that each partner has with his son. Do not allow children to be aware of details that pertain only the size of a couple, as they are called, albeit not implied siding.

In some cases it is possible that the former becomes a real friend. There must be, however, quickly… The’ former is a person with whom you and’ was a peculiar intimacy and sharing… It’ need to move the emotional investment, rework anger and expectations. Once past the oscillations between idealization and devaluation , between anger and guilt, between fantasies of revenge and reconciliation, will be able to reintegrate within itself in its totality and complexity and totality, with luci e ombre. This allows access to a different way of relating, that takes into consideration the complicity born of time spent together, but that and’ stripped from the intensity, by the peculiarity and intimacy typical of the love affair.
Because the loan becomes really fluid must also deal with the guilt of the end of each story brings with it '. This’ possible only by becoming aware and developing the ambivalence towards the other. Those who decide to end a story, even though she was convinced, you often hear “bound” all’ other, responsible for the suffering that stems from its decision. It’ important, however, to be aware of how much the bond is sometimes dictated by the dependence, dynamics and habits related to the protection that lead to disparities which would have no reason to be in a loving relationship, characterized by exchange and reciprocity.
Sometimes a decision such as that of the break can be constructive for the partner, because it forces you to deal with dysfunctional aspects that for the quiet life and to keep alive the balance we tend to tolerate.

sentir-el-dolorGuilt, although it seems paradoxical, often haunts even those who left. You tend to brood on their own shortcomings, on the weight of their own behavior on the break, you risk locking themselves into attitudes and depressive mode dictated by a sense of inadequacy. In fact, even this case is necessary to overcome the ambivalence, also recognizing the other and his choices involving and its importance in determining the course of history. In addition, the pain you feel may be exceeded Whereas background, although there is devalued recognize themselves value, and this just allows you to make room for what you want to hear, the sentirsi “worthy” to be loved and the ability to look within themselves rather than hyper invest in the observation and in’ interpretation of the behavior of’ other.
In some cases a period of rupture if well developed, without the risk of yielding to control strategies and approximation, can lead to a genuine desire to hear again towards the other.

Again-twig-cartoon-giving-heartHow to notice the signs of a backfire?
Some signs of non-verbal language and some shades that you can pick up in the everyday.
You will notice an unusual embarrassment, gestures even more newspapers, the difficulty to hold the gaze or the awkwardness when you are in physical proximity for business “neutral” as a coffee. Also often you can see the use of a tone or a different linguistic register, For example, from what used to contact in the presence of other. The attention to small details can be born, that lead to an emotional dimension that refers to the past, how to cite, within conversations “neutral” occurrences that involved sharing moments of the couple, or more cities or places that refer to times when the couple had lived phases of falling in love. Important not to be “accecare” the only positive memories, to listen to what you ” feel ” for real, take this into account and that’ changed and if what we are missing is born from a vacuum or not yet bridged by a real feeling spite of the estrangement has not lost intensity and might be able to take new form.

We thank Dr. Ratti for his first contribution on Moda e Style!